Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.
